Step-kids, bloody hard work!!!!

Well, where to start, lol.

My fiance has a son, who is 8, so I pretty much consider myself his step-mum. We have been together for 3 years, in a stable relationship. Well to be honest I really struggle with him, basically he drives me crazy. He is spoilt, and bratty, and full of himself, has such a nasty attitude and temper on him, and he really manages to wind me up!!!! But see the thing is his mum and dad (my fiance) think he is an angel, a lovely child. He has cerabal palsy and very mild autism, and he uses his disability to get what he wants and get his own way, which I don't like. He is very clever, and manipulates people to get attention. For example, at school he will say he is tired to get out of doing things he doesnt want to do, and everyone panders to him, yet when it comes to playing and running round all day, he never gets tired. He has endless energy. You cant play with him, cos he will shout at you if you dont agree with him, ur a liar, a thief, a cheat, he is gonna get his revenge on you, and so forth. Once when he was playing up when we were out somewhere, he kept complaining that his leg hurt, and he couldnt stand up or walk around, yet 2 minutes after that he was running round, shouting at me that 'im gonna run off on purpose so you get into lots of trouble with my dad, cos ur meant to be looking after me!' We have an ok relationship on the outside, we get on most of the time, and we talk and play, like a normal mum and child would, and I do everything for him, show him lots of love, I really try, but his smarmy attitude narks me off no end!
I have spoken to his dad, my OH about it before, but it just ends up in an argument, because, he is so proud of his son, and cant see why I dont feel the same, and I end up looking like a bitch, so now I just bite my tongue.

I just dont know what to do now, I love my OH so much, and we are trying to conceive our first, and we have the most amazing relationship in every way other apart from how I feel about his son, and I certainly wouldnt leave him over this, no way, but I just wondered what all you guys think, as you are all parents. In my opinion they are far too soft on him, and let him get away with everything because of his disability, they treat him as a baby, and he is totally molly-cuddled, and he knows how to play the pair of them. But as im sure you will agree, being parents, that no-one appreciates being told that you spoil and molly-cuddle your child, so I dont know what to do sometimes. It just looks like im picking on him all the time, but im not, I try so hard with him. But why should I have to take all the crap, without being allowed to discipline him, thats where I struggle. I want to step in, but its not really my place, and it just looks like im being nasty again. His parents just give empty threats when he plays up, but they are never followed up. So what would you do?

His mum, im not that keen on, she too is spoilt, and has a crappy attitude, which is where he has got it from, so what on earth do I do. because she is just passing on her bad values to him. I appreciate that he may in some part blame me for his parents not being together, but thats not fair, both my OH and his ex, his mum, both agree that they didnt want to be together, and their marriage was dead years ago, and both are happy to be seperated. But sometimes Brandon will tell me things like 'oh mummy still loves daddy, she tells me', what do I say to that. He thinks mummy is awesome, because she is the one who spolis him with piles of presents, and and so forth, and thinks daddy is the grumpy, angry one! When in reality, she is a right cow. But obviously we cant tell him that, so what do you say when he says 'mummy is lovely, and daddy is angry? what can you say, its so difficult.

so advice??????????????????
thanks, sorry its such a long read.

i think you should totally ignore his behaviour as much as possible. if it comes to it and you have to tell him to do something and he wont do it, just keep repeating yourself. 8 year old boys are stubborn, all of them! and if you are alone with himj and he plays up, call his dad (even on the phone) and tell him the situation and ask him to talk to his son right there and then. if he refuses, then you need to go down the route well ok, im not looking after him again then. At the end of the day your oh needs to back you up, not undermine you if hes sharing the responsibility with you. Also yes you do have the right to discipline him if he is in your home or in your care!!!

in regards to the son saying things like 'mummy still loves daddy' i would actually tell his mum what he said. then i would inform her that its terribly immature to pass messages through her son and probarly not the best for his emotional wellbeing, if she wants to talk to you or your oh then your ears are open. the daddy is angry thing you just have to take with a pinch of salt tbh!

mimi wrote:i think you should totally ignore his behaviour as much as possible. if it comes to it and you have to tell him to do something and he wont do it, just keep repeating yourself. 8 year old boys are stubborn, all of them! and if you are alone with himj and he plays up, call his dad (even on the phone) and tell him the situation and ask him to talk to his son right there and then. if he refuses, then you need to go down the route well ok, im not looking after him again then. At the end of the day your oh needs to back you up, not undermine you if hes sharing the responsibility with you. Also yes you do have the right to discipline him if he is in your home or in your care!!!

in regards to the son saying things like 'mummy still loves daddy' i would actually tell his mum what he said. then i would inform her that its terribly immature to pass messages through her son and probarly not the best for his emotional wellbeing, if she wants to talk to you or your oh then your ears are open. the daddy is angry thing you just have to take with a pinch of salt tbh!

totally agree with all of that, thanks.
but the thing is my OH expects me to play happy families with him, because he thinks his son is awesome, as parents do, i understand that, but if I discipline him, and ur rite I do think I should be allowed to discipline him, its my home not his, and he should damn well behave in my care! but if I say anything to him like that, he runs off home to mummy saying oh kerry said this, and made me do this, and then she gives my OH earache, and flips out, and says that my OH cant see his son again. til she calms down again, and gets over it. so then I feel guilty, and its my fault, even though I know its not. but what can I do. and yes she is that bitchy and immature! you can see where her son gets it from. ahhh see I dont know if she does say these things to Brandon, or Brandon makes them up, because he makes things up a lot, sadly. last week he said 'once you were so angry daddy, that you almost punched me in the face!' I mean seriously I blew my top at that, cos his dad is so gentle and loving with him, he is such a nasty little liar. We both gave him a right telling off for that, and told him dya know how much trouble daddy will get in if you make up things like that!' And he knows that saying things like that that will make me angry, which is what he wants. and yep i shouldnt give in to it, but i do. im only human, he makes me angry, i crack. But he didnt get punished for that, he never does. They think telling him off is a punishment, yeh rite!!! I hate it, but as his mum, and the main carer, she holds all the cards, and has the ability to withdraw his access at will, on a wim.

yeh if im on my own with him, rather than tell him off and then we get in trouble, FFS, i just go and get his dad and say look you need to deal with him because im not. and he takes that on board, and goes and tells him off in a namby, pamby way! and then Brandon will cry and go 'oh Daddy, you scare me when you get angry at me'. Please, dont give me that rubbish! and then my OH forgives him, and thats the end of it. I just give up.

All i can say is omg what a situation to be in xx

Debs wrote:All i can say is omg what a situation to be in xx

thank you, I mean talk about between a rock and a hard place, its like I dont know what to do or say for the best. I really want to say something, but my OH is so proud, I dont want to hurt him, I love him so much! and i cant blame him for wanting to stick up for his son can I, thats just natural.
I think im gonna leave it til he plays up next and then bring it up then. no point bringing it up out of the blue, like now, cos i will sound like im just bitching, again.
but i am gonna bring it up and say that when im pregnant i dont want him acting like that, and stressing me out when im pregnant, so if he cant behave he is not welcome here, whilst im expecting. cos my health and the baby are everything to me!

all kids are handfuls not just stepkids lol trust me as i used to be a step child and it's amazing how clever we are.

As for the "mummy loves daddy still" of course they still love and respect one another as they have a child together as although i'm not longer with my kids daddy i love and respect him as the father of my children but only on a friendship basis,probably not much when he's being a pain in my ass lol

I have a step daugher and she can be a handful sometimes but i treat all three of the kids the same even if i thinnk my partner is hard on her sometimes i will stick up for her and if she's getting on my nerves and misbehaving she gets disciplined exaxctly the same was as abbie and xander do.

I would try and ignore the wind upremarks, he obviously swicthed on and knows how to push your buttons easier said than done to ignore him but try and swicth off.

he's at that age where his imagaination is kicking in big time and thats where the lies are coming from, i'm getting at that stage with my daughter who is 7 and it's frustrating but hopefully they will grow out of it x x x

Angela wrote:all kids are handfuls not just stepkids lol trust me as i used to be a step child and it's amazing how clever we are.

As for the "mummy loves daddy still" of course they still love and respect one another as they have a child together as although i'm not longer with my kids daddy i love and respect him as the father of my children but only on a friendship basis,probably not much when he's being a pain in my ass lol

I have a step daugher and she can be a handful sometimes but i treat all three of the kids the same even if i thinnk my partner is hard on her sometimes i will stick up for her and if she's getting on my nerves and misbehaving she gets disciplined exaxctly the same was as abbie and xander do.

I would try and ignore the wind upremarks, he obviously swicthed on and knows how to push your buttons easier said than done to ignore him but try and swicth off.

he's at that age where his imagaination is kicking in big time and thats where the lies are coming from, i'm getting at that stage with my daughter who is 7 and it's frustrating but hopefully they will grow out of it x x x

thank you, thats all very helpful. I am gonna try and not let him wind me up, I know he does it just to get to me, but sometimes i just lose it and mouth engages before brain! So as for discipline, dya think that its best I do take a step back as he isnt my son, or dya think I should be allowed to discipline him in my own home, regardless of what his mum says about it? and dya think that its reasonable that I should be allowed to at least ask that if my OH wants him to stay with us when im pregnant, that he has to be disciplined properly, and not just be allowed to act however he pleases, or I dont want him here? The thing that winds me up is the spoilt attitude, and the manipulation, and the fact that his parents cant see it, so it just looks like im always the bad guy, again. He is all sweetness when his dad is around, but if we are left alone, he isnt so sweet then. And gets funny with me if I ask him to do anything, or I make him say please and thank you, he is so rude and back-chatty. but if I complain it just looks like im a cow.

when you say discipline what do you mean????

I think when you get preggers it's best not to say you don't what the child there as then this would give his mum more ammo regarding witholding access and she could also probably say to the boy that the father no longer wants him as he has another child on the way and that may cause the resentment to grow further.

not being funny but have you got a voice recorder???? if he's turning on you when he's alone try recording it and replaying to the father lol then you have proof you ain't being the bad guy and the lad can't deny it, bit underhanded i know but if it shows you man what your dealing with when he's left alone with you x

i think you should be able to tell him off though and your partner needs to stand up to his ex, regardless of what her actions will be. Can you really see yourselves bowing down to her for the next 10 years?

it is difficult because he has autism which as im sure you know means that he doesnt fully understand other peoples emotions. But at the same time you cant sit back and accept his behaviour as soon you will have a little one and you dont want your little one learning this behaviour or worrying that daddy loves someone else.

basically i think that in order to show you respect your oh needs to harden up to his son and his ex. easier said than done, my husband did this and ended up not seeing his kids for 2 years. Now they come and they have fun and they love my son to bits, even though they missed the pregnancy and the first year of his life, it hasnt made any difference.

I would say that your oh needs to actually listen to you, then you should both sit his ex down and talk to her about the sons behaviour and if she flips or doesnt listen then go for mediation (its usually free) its totally unfair of your oh to ignore what youre saying or ow youre feeling about this.

Angela wrote:when you say discipline what do you mean????

I think when you get preggers it's best not to say you don't what the child there as then this would give his mum more ammo regarding witholding access and she could also probably say to the boy that the father no longer wants him as he has another child on the way and that may cause the resentment to grow further.

not being funny but have you got a voice recorder???? if he's turning on you when he's alone try recording it and replaying to the father lol then you have proof you ain't being the bad guy and the lad can't deny it, bit underhanded i know but if it shows you man what your dealing with when he's left alone with you x

when I say discipline, i mean consequences, for example, when he misbehaves something is taken away for a while, like his favourite ps2 game, or ds, or something he likes. not smack him, no way, i dont believe in that! i just want him to learn that they are consequences to his actions. at the mo, if he is naughty, he gets told off, to which he answers back to anyway, and then empty threats are made that are never followed up, and then he goes and cries or sulks, and then his dad goes and panders to him to try and cheer him up, not my idea of parenting! at home with his mum i dont even know if he gets told off.

as for how he is with me on my own, I tell my OH what he says, and he sympathises, and says yeh he can be difficult sometimes! sometimes, try alll the time! I think that they think that its all to do with his conditions, so they just kinda let him act like that. my OH knows he can be a terror sometimes, he would admit that he is tired of him by the end of the day too, but doesnt seem to think its a problem, and thinks he is an angel anyway. his answer is well all 8 year olds are like that, and maybe he is right, but I dont think that makes it ok. he only seems to see his good behaviour, and always brings up things that he has done that he is proud of, and how amazing he is, which he is maybe 30% of the time, but what about the other 70% of the time when he is a pain in the ass, is that ok then? cos he occasionally does things that his parents are really proud of, that makes it ok for him to act up the rest of the time? they seem to think so.

i want to do things like confiscate my DS card with all the games on that he likes, and I did the other week after he had gone back home, and I didnt want to give it back to him, but I bottled it because I didnt want to have a row with my partner about why i didnt want Brandon to play on my DS because I was sick of his attitude, which would have ended up with me saying 'im fed up of the grief and the attitude, and his dis-respect', and my OH saying, 'yeh I know he can be difficult, but i love him, im so proud of him, why cant you see him and love him like I do' and then I just give up, there is no good answer to that,

there is a good answer though! a) hes not your child, b) he makes it hard for you to get close to him as he is always acting out and c) you dont know where else to turn to improve on the situation.

i love my stepkids but im never going to see them how i see tyler. will understands that, they are easy kids to get on with so i am building a bods with them but even then its more my step son (who isnt wills) who i am closer to. i think your oh needs to accept a happy medium.

mimi wrote:i think you should be able to tell him off though and your partner needs to stand up to his ex, regardless of what her actions will be. Can you really see yourselves bowing down to her for the next 10 years?

it is difficult because he has autism which as im sure you know means that he doesnt fully understand other peoples emotions. But at the same time you cant sit back and accept his behaviour as soon you will have a little one and you dont want your little one learning this behaviour or worrying that daddy loves someone else.

basically i think that in order to show you respect your oh needs to harden up to his son and his ex. easier said than done, my husband did this and ended up not seeing his kids for 2 years. Now they come and they have fun and they love my son to bits, even though they missed the pregnancy and the first year of his life, it hasnt made any difference.

I would say that your oh needs to actually listen to you, then you should both sit his ex down and talk to her about the sons behaviour and if she flips or doesnt listen then go for mediation (its usually free) its totally unfair of your oh to ignore what youre saying or ow youre feeling about this.

that is totally what we will be doing, because my OH will not stand up to her, at all. he thinks that its better to have an easy life, and not rile her up, then to have to drag it through courts and solicitors for the next million years! which I totally get and kinda agree with, but I also dont want her to have power over us forever. so i dont know. she is very manipulative, and knows she has us right where she wants us, and she knows there is little we can do about it.
ha ha, she will never agree to that, after all, she doesnt really see a problem with his behaviour, and she just wouldnt agree anyway, no way. he is currently being statemented, and quite a lot of his behaviour issues were in the report which is great, so hopefully he may get some help with his behaviour and anger, I hope. to be honest all I want is for him to behave better when he is here, and for my OH to be stricter with him, thats all, I want the child to see some consequences for a change, and im sick of him getting his own way constantly! and me feeling like the bad guy for bringing it up. I dont want to hear about how amazing he is all the time, and how super proud they both are, when all I see from the child is grief and him manipulating everyone, I mean open your eyes. i mean he says i love you, if we dont pay him enough attention, or we are talking to each other and not him for 5 secs, and my OH thinks this is sweet! but he doesnt see why he does it. he gets told a million times a day by everyone, ur so amazing and special, and awesome, that he now thinks he is better than everyone, and what anyone else wants or says, means diddly squat to him, he is all that matters, and if you dont do it his way, you get shouted at, he hates you, all the usual nice things. i just feel fed up with it. yeh i know that is partly due to his autism, but he doesnt have low self-esteem, he thinks he is ace! the other week, he was being a sod, and when my OH told him off, he shouted, 'its not my fault im bad and naughty, its my autism'. so he was extra bad on purpose! well done whoever told him he is autistic, cos now thats another thing that he likes to play on!

mimi wrote:there is a good answer though! a) hes not your child, b) he makes it hard for you to get close to him as he is always acting out and c) you dont know where else to turn to improve on the situation.

i love my stepkids but im never going to see them how i see tyler. will understands that, they are easy kids to get on with so i am building a bods with them but even then its more my step son (who isnt wills) who i am closer to. i think your oh needs to accept a happy medium.

that is totally it, hit the nail on the head, i dont mind him being here, and I know he loves him, but stop expecting me to to be super happy about it, cos its nothing more than a stress for me! and im not proud of him like he is, because i can see the bad side too, so stop making me feel guilty for not feeliing like you do, and appreciate that its hard work for me. at the end of the day, to me he is still someone else child, driving me insane, as usually other peoples children do! I mean he gets irritated by other peoples kids, and my god-son which is bloody rich, and thats how I feel about his child!

right ive decided that when he next plays up when he is here, im gonna bring up some of my issues with my OH, and see what happens. at the end of the day, we can only do so much as he is only with us a couple of times a week, which is plenty, and if he is being brought up 'wrongly' at home with his mum the rest of the time, I cant tell her how to bring up her kid, so I will just do my best with what I can do. But im not gonna suffer in silence, and feel stressed out in my own home any longer!
maybe when I have my own child, I will see my OHs point of view better, and understand that love connection with your own child, that at the mo I cant see.

kerrybaby24 wrote:right ive decided that when he next plays up when he is here, im gonna bring up some of my issues with my OH, and see what happens. at the end of the day, we can only do so much as he is only with us a couple of times a week, which is plenty, and if he is being brought up 'wrongly' at home with his mum the rest of the time, I cant tell her how to bring up her kid, so I will just do my best with what I can do. But im not gonna suffer in silence, and feel stressed out in my own home any longer!
maybe when I have my own child, I will see my OHs point of view better, and understand that love connection with your own child, that at the mo I cant see.

oh well that went well, not! my OH is a pleb! it just turned into a huge row and he just thinks im wrong, and i think he is wrong! ive gone past being angry now, cos i was fuming, just a little sad that he cant see it from my point of view! i guess at the end of the day, when it comes to his son, im always gonna be in the wrong, anyway, i love him, so what can I do. I cant tell him how to raise his own child can I. He says he understands, cos he used to be a step-dad, and he knows its hard, and he's sorry, but he says I dont understand what its like when uve got ur own child, its different, its hard to be tough when its ur own child, so blantantly I know nothing and my opinion doesnt count as a childless person.

oh dear he sounds like a numpty rubbing it in about you not having your own child yet when your actively concieving x

it is different but being part of a step fanmily is taking on board other peoples kids and if you can't accept them and try to love them then i'm sorry the relationship is doomed as the partner will 9 times out of 10 take their own kids side, it's human nature to protect our blood.

I would follow through with the consequences strategy and defo follow through, if it causes a arguement after he's left then fight it out the boy has to learn that in the big bad world nothing is handed to them on a silver plate.

Angela wrote:oh dear he sounds like a numpty rubbing it in about you not having your own child yet when your actively concieving x

it is different but being part of a step fanmily is taking on board other peoples kids and if you can't accept them and try to love them then i'm sorry the relationship is doomed as the partner will 9 times out of 10 take their own kids side, it's human nature to protect our blood.

I would follow through with the consequences strategy and defo follow through, if it causes a arguement after he's left then fight it out the boy has to learn that in the big bad world nothing is handed to them on a silver plate.

what pisses me off is that he is the most caring, amazing partner in every other way, hmmmmn except that he just stormed out when i closed my laptop cos i dont want him reading what im writing, ooopppsss, but he really is, treats me like a princess 24-7. but he is just super defensive over his child, which I understand. I dont want him to pick Brandon over me, I just want him to take on board how hard it is for me, and maybe take the odd suggestion on-board, instead of slating me for finding it hard! it doesnt help that I have issues with anxiety and panic attacks, so I tend to attack when I feel cornered, which doesnt help, and then feel anxious as hell for the next 5 hours, but anyway, im sure we will sort it out, cos I love him more than anything, so guess I just have to accept it. i.e, I will give in probably! the ironic thing is that I treat him as my own, and I do love him, and I care for him, and play with him, and do nice things for him, treat him to nice things, the lot, but I dare to mention about his bad behaviour to my OH, and im in the wrong, and I dont understand what its like to be a parent, blah blah, so wasting my breath.

well just to update, we has a great talk last night, for like 2 hours, and talked it all through, and we really understand each others point of view now.

he is gonna let me have a lot more say, regardless of what the ex says, and he took on board some of my suggestions, and he is gonna try and follow through with the consequences and a be a bit firmer, which is all I wanted.

great news!

thats great honey x

thanks guys, i feel so much more comfortable with the whole situation now, and i feel much more relaxed when he is here, so great.

I haven't been on in a few days, so this is the first chance to have a read of your post.

I also feel I'm in a similar (not identical, but similar in some ways) situation to you. I have 2 stepkids. The eldest, stepson, is 16 (17 in October), stepdaughter is 14 (15 next Feb) and is going through the whole hormones all over the place which doesn't help as we lost my in-laws (her grandparents) within the space of 4 months of each other (FIL Nov 07, MIL March 08).

We were having an argument approx 2 or 3 months ago, and the conversation ended up going to the effect of "they aren't yours to discipline, so don't even try it". To be honest I'm not too fussed about it as stepdaughter would only go and tell her mother who would only end up having a go anyway and at the moment I don't really want the hassle of it all (even if the mother is a dozy cow who accuses me of giving her a wrong phone number and doesn't even admit that she got it wrong and apologise for it, long story but will explain in another post, all I'll say is she's a thick moo)

Sam wrote:I haven't been on in a few days, so this is the first chance to have a read of your post.

I also feel I'm in a similar (not identical, but similar in some ways) situation to you. I have 2 stepkids. The eldest, stepson, is 16 (17 in October), stepdaughter is 14 (15 next Feb) and is going through the whole hormones all over the place which doesn't help as we lost my in-laws (her grandparents) within the space of 4 months of each other (FIL Nov 07, MIL March 08).

We were having an argument approx 2 or 3 months ago, and the conversation ended up going to the effect of "they aren't yours to discipline, so don't even try it". To be honest I'm not too fussed about it as stepdaughter would only go and tell her mother who would only end up having a go anyway and at the moment I don't really want the hassle of it all (even if the mother is a dozy cow who accuses me of giving her a wrong phone number and doesn't even admit that she got it wrong and apologise for it, long story but will explain in another post, all I'll say is she's a thick moo)

being a step-parent is a hard place to be in, its like being between a rock and a hard place. you are expected to play happy families and love them like your partner does, they want you to be involved, yet if you say something they dont like, you apparently have no right to say anything or discipline them, so how is that even remotely fair? so I really feel your pain, and teenagers, well im not looking forward to those years, god no, so that is even tougher. I can only suggest what I did, well in the end, cos i was absolutely sick of it, , sit down with your partner and explain how you feel, explain that you love the kids, but it is difficult for you as they are not yours, he needs to understand that. Tell him, if you live together? that when they are in your house, not just his, but your joint house, that you are entitled to a say when they stay with you, as much as he is. if he doesnt want you to have a say, then he has no right to bring them over, and expect you to be involved and play happy families, if you arent even allowed to voice your opinion. he cant have it both ways! he cant expect you to have to put up with the crap, without being enitled to voice.

I know Kerry. I have been so close at times as far as telling him to stick the lot of it, but a little bit of me knows that it wouldn't get me anywhere. Sorry I seem to have taken your post over a little bit there

Sam wrote:I know Kerry. I have been so close at times as far as telling him to stick the lot of it, but a little bit of me knows that it wouldn't get me anywhere. Sorry I seem to have taken your post over a little bit there

nah no probs, , yeh i been there, wondered if it was all worth it, thought about splitting up, but I love him too much, and he is 'the one'. and our relationship is so perfect in every other way, there was too much there to break up over one thing. and he was reasonable and listened to my point of view completely, which is great. i guess at the end of the day, either you speak up and see what happens, which is a risk I know. or you decide that you cant handle it. or you keep stum, and just suck it up. i suggest you speak to him, if he is loving and reasonable he should be able to see your point of view too and understand. try and word it carefully so you arent attacking his kids, cos that will get you no brownie points, try and make it more about u the two of you parenting together, and you want to have a say, and things like that. good luck.